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Helping Children Cope with Wartime
There is no easy way to talk to children about war but it is one of the most important things we can do as caring adults. It is key that the context of the discussion is sensitive to a child's developmental level and the specific circumstances. Children of all ages will want to know: What does this mean to me? How will I be affected? Will my family and I be safe? Children will take their cues from their parents and the other important adults in their lives. If you convey calm and security, even in a very serious situation, they are far more likely to feel safe.

Conversations about such serious topics should happen in a quiet place without distractions. There needs to be time to both talk and listen. Most adults have an easier time talking than they do listening.

For younger children (8 and under):
  • The safety of the child and his or her loved ones will be a central concern. Try not to get into a lot of detail with children this age. They are not interested in politics but in the safety of themselves and the people closest to them.
  • Multiple, repetitive reassurances that the important people in the child's life are doing everything possible to keep him or her safe are invaluable.
  • Extra time and attention will be soothing. Maintaining dependable routines will help, also.
  • Limiting their exposure to the media (television, newspapers, etc.) and watching/reading with them will help insure that they don't feel overwhelmed by the images that we all struggle with.
For older children (8 to 12)
  • For older children the above suggestions are helpful, with some added details about the reasons for the conflict and our nation's response to it.
For Adolescents:
  • We suggest beginning by asking what they know about the situation and then explaining the pieces they are missing or have wrong.
  • Expect discussions of details, right vs. wrong, future implications, etc. Adolescents have the ability to discuss world events on a more sophisticated level but still need emotional support from their parents. They also need reassurance about their safety but may not ask for it directly.
  • It's important to listen respectfully to adolescents, even when they express opinions different than our own.
For children of all ages:
These discussions can be an important teaching opportunity for parents. Whether explaining the need for military force or sharing beliefs and values about tolerance and getting along with those we disagree with can be helpful to children of all ages.
Signs of Stress
The hallmark of stress in children, adolescents and adults is a change in functioning from their usual patterns. In younger children this may appear as more babyish behavior, clinginess, trouble with sleep, fears and nightmares. In older children the same may be true with the addition of lots of anxious questions: What if this happens? How many? How do you know? You may also see irritability or difficulty with schoolwork. Adolescents look similar to school age children in their symptoms. If these symptoms appear for an extended period of time, it may be a sign to seek out consultation from a mental health expert.
About 'playing war'
For all people going over and over troubling situations or events is a way of mastery. The multiple televised repetitions of the events of September 11th bear this out. For older children and adults this happens through talking. For younger children it is through play. So playing " war" is an attempt at mastery. Playing war can also give a child a sense of power over his or her environment, especially in times like these. The play can be supplemented by conversation at the appropriate time. If a parent is concerned about the frequency, duration or intensity of war play, it may be useful to consult a mental health expert.
For children of all ages
Taking an active stance so we feel less helpless (writing letters, flying the flag, donating blood) can help us all feel better. Remember, through their behavior, words and play, children will show us what's important to them. It's up to us to be responsive to their concerns.

Prepared by members of the Children's Hospital Boston Department of Psychiatry September, 2001

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